Starting Over....

Well, here we are Jan. 5th 2011.

Happy New Year! That's what I intend for this to be. Last year, kinda sucked. Between the move to Bradenton from Jacksonville being sudden, both my Parents literally died and were brought back and the failed surrogacy journey, it wasn't a good year. I am hoping this year is much better.

On that note, my Mom is doing better, she is about to go on to Peritoneal Dialysis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peritoneal_dialysis) and stop having to go to a dialysis center 3 days a week where her BP drops severely...that's why she technically "died" last year, the Nurses weren't doing their jobs and her BP drops every time she has dialysis. Anyway, that's a good thing and should help her to pep up some since her BP will be under control. My Dad had a massive heart attack in 2009 and he had a little relapse after hearing my Mom died and then he walks into the E.R. thinking he is going to see a corpse and she's sitting up in bed talking....that's a day I will never forget. Anyway, new subject...

We've been living in a kinda run down apartment while we got on our feet and it's finally (after 5 months) time to get into a better place. Just so happens that my Parents need our help, financially and physically so we are willingly getting a place with them. I say willingly because there have been a few times it's been out of sheer necessity because we couldn't afford where we were living. Anyway...we are currently looking for something big enough and accomodating for all of us, yet still affordable. Thomas got an excellent job, one he can retire from. Benefits, PTO, Paid Holidays, OT, 401K...all that jazz. I am working at home for a Staffing company and scheduling banquets, so it's all good. Can't wait to get away from the drug dealers and assholes. One neighbor brings me all her drama...it sucks because I know her Husband is cheating on her and I can't say anything because I don't want any part of it. He'll automatically know it came from Thomas cause Thomas told me. The guy is big, like muscle big and he's an asshole. Maybe I will say something or send an anonymous letter after I move. Who knows?

Next on my list is a new journey. Surrogacy journey that is. I waited a while and looked and talked and found my IP's. I had lunch with them yesterday and I am so excited about this couple. They live close by and are very open. They are great! I am still making youtube videos...so if you wanna look me up my SN on youtube is Tiffymm589....go to the surrogacy playlist and it's the first one on there. I could post a link, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. LOL

Well....

I got a nice long letter from Paul and Nicole this morning explaining that they spoke with Dr. Akerman and he said everything was fine with me and fine with the embryo, sometimes these things just don't work.
He (Paul) also said they weren't sure if they were going to do the next cycle, that they were still contemplating it. I strongly feel that they are not going to. If I am wrong, I will certainly update.

On the plus side of things, my retched, horrible, painful period is O-V-E-R!! AND....
I talked with agency and they have other couples looking for surrogates, and she asked me if I minded working with gay couples, to which I responded no, because I actually was hoping for that!
So, if they decide no more, than I have another couple to move on to and it's all good.

I just am now back in "waiting" mode with this surrogacy to see if Paul and Nicole want to go forth. I have to wait since I am contracted with them. Ok...will update when I have some answers.

<3-Tiff

Post Beta...

Well, it's been 5 days since the negative beta. I am finally ok with the fact that it failed, but the meds and coming off them is hard as hell to do. I've been super emotional, like worse than pregnant. I cry over literally, nothing. It's almost as if I am depressed, like seriously depressed. My emotions right now are similar to those I felt when I was divorcing my first husband. It stinks.
I have Christmas to look forward to, there is nothing like watching Children open gifts you bought them, nothing. But, when I am getting back on my feet from a layoff for both my Husband and I, it's tough to be extremely happy about it. I know I am not going to be able to get them the type of stuff they would have gotten if I were pregnant right now. (sigh) Anyway....we are also moving to a big house with my Parents so I can take care of my Mom, which is out of this little mini ghetto and quiet. I am so looking forward to that.
Plus, Thomas got a really good job, with really good benefits after 90 days and paid Holidays as opposed to the job he got laid off from where it was under the table pay with no benefits or paid time off. Plus he will be making more money and getting 40+ hours a week. I have a lot to look forward to in my world, it's just tough getting through the "right now" and being in a holding pattern. But, if there is one thing I've learned, in surrogacy, there is ALWAYS a holding pattern.

I will be on my period today or tomorrow as AF has reared her head and showed her normal first signs of coming on. I am still waiting to hear if we are doing another transfer and all that stuff that's next. My period is starting soon, so it would be nice to know. Again with the holding pattern. My IP's are "devastated" as they put it in the e-mail and still upset. I understand they are upset, but normally I am the type of person who looks at the bright side of things and I told them to remember, there is still an embryo left to transfer...one more chance....

I guess we'll see. I'll update again when I know something.

I'm noticing how nice it is to blog...I actually kinda feel better getting that off my chest. I talk to my Husband as he is my best friend too, and I do feel better afterwards, but it just kinda recycles itself and comes back.

Who knows.

Later everyone.

Beta day....

Well, it's 5:30 p.m. and Marci just called me....beta results are in at a whopping 2.

It's negative and I am honestly, not surprised. I didn't think it had worked, but I told myself to stay positive and it wound up back firing.

So next transfer I am going into this a little less blindly and lot more cautious.

I am extremely upset that I can't tell Nicole she's getting her baby girl. And it's her Birthday, but fortunately, Marci will tell them the bad news. I know that's selfish, but I'm already taking the blow hard enough. I'm not sure how I could even begin to break the news to them.

We do have another emby, and we will do another transfer it's just maddening wondering what you did wrong....could you have done anything to make this work?
I already know it's up to god...it's just so upsetting....

At least I get a break from the shots and meds for a while, which is nice for me because those things are tough on your body, well the shots are anyway.

Pain....

I've been having some mild period like cramps on my left side. I'm not sure what to think of them. They have calmed down some now, but it was so bad this morning no matter what position I was in I couldn't ease the pain. Now it has let up and only hurts a little when I walk, but I am also having some mild shooting pain in my vaginal area, almost like it feels when I have a stone. Well, that only lasted a minute or so then went away and comes and goes intermitently as it pleases.

I am worried about this. I am 6 days past transfer, hpt's are still BFN....but I've read and heard everyone tell me not to worry about it, it's still too soon since there was only one emby transferred. But I can't help but be like wtf?

I hate waiting, but I knew it was inevitable with this. We'll see what happens.

The dreaded 2WW....

Ugh! On SMO I always thought some of those women were goofy for going grazy during the 2 week wait for their beta numbers.
LOL Now I am one of them and it's a bit tense. More tense that I thought it was going to be. It's like, they put a baby in you to grow and you wanna know if it's growing and if there's more than one. Wondering what your numbers will be and so much more.

And seriously...these PIO shots are a bit much. And if this emby attaches, I have 14 more weeks of it.
Daily shots of this stuff. Ugh...

Anyway, I am going to take a HPT tomorrow (Friday) which will be 4dp5dt and probably every day until my beta on Nov. 30th. I hope to get a good number for Nicole, as it is her Birthday! What a great gift to give someone right? I'm praying for positive pregnancy test at least by Sunday, could always be a late implanter or I could be a non HCG on the pee stick producer lol who knows.

Anyway, it's also Thanksgiving and I want to tell anyone who reads Happy Turkey Day!

Transfer Day!!

So here we are nearly 5 hours after transfer, which was at roughly 1:05 p.m. this afternoon. I've put in a video Thomas took of the transfer from my youtube page. Below it are a couple pictures. The first is just a pic of me on the table lol Thomas was camera happy. The second, is Caroline, her at a healthy 5 day blastocyst, which the Dr. said and I've been reading have a much higher chance of taking since they are ready to attach and over 100 cells.
All in all this was a different experience and honestly I would do it again =D I am just hoping it takes!
I need sticky thoughts! Beta is November 30th...which is a week from tomorrow and also Nicole (my intended Mother) birthday.

I'm excited, but ready to get the hell out of Miami. This place is awful, people are rude and this is worst city by far to drive in. Anyway....more in a week, hopefully I can report a good beta!!